I will not use pretty words and pretend like my life has been a rollicking ride ever since you left. No. I will tell you the truth. Some bitter,some for good.
“I can’t give you enough time. I have to give my undivided attention to my work. I love you, but this is just not the right time. Forgive me, if you can, baby. I hope you understand. BLAH BLAH BLAH” and you left. These words and a few more,just like that! Everything ended. Without even blinking an eyelid and thinking what impact would those words have on me and my life to come. 3 YEARS (a long distance relationship) JUST DISAPPEARED IN A SPLIT SECOND!
Let me tell you the series of events that took place,just so you know. The day you decided to walk out, it all changed. Those words left me numb. No pain, no anger,no sadness, nothing. I went numb and eventually cold. How do you react when someone you have loved with all your heart walks off like nothing ever happened? It took me at-least a day to comprehend what had happened. And then it all started. A BREAKDOWN ,as they call it. I cried, i cried my eyes out. I howled, that is how much it hurt me. I couldn’t breathe. I felt stuck and breathless and trapped. I wanted to break everything and everyone. A few days passed and it only became worse. I eventually withdrew myself from my family and friends. I spent my days blankly staring at the walls. My thoughts disappeared. Nothing made sense. I didn’t want to see anyone, i didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be by myself. I knew I wasn’t in a state to talk about this to anyone,including myself. It seemed unreal and frankly, i felt betrayed. Was this some sort of a joke? Did these 3 years mean nothing to you?
My family knew what had happened. They all tried to cheer me up.My folks told me about their past heartbreaks and tried convincing me that it all becomes better with time. That,time heals. Still didn’t make any sense to me, did it? Nah. I was grieving. All i thought about was how i will never see you again, how i will never see your name flashing on my phone, how i will never get to fight with you followed by the best of your ways trying to make up for it. That was all i could think about. YOU. What else was i supposed to do?
It was on one such days when i felt better. So much better. that was when i collected myself, had a long bath, picked out the best of my clothes, put on the best make-up i ever have, called up my friends and ordered them, “Get ready. We are going out tonight”. My friends dropped everything they were doing and agreed. They were more than glad to hear from me after weeks of trying to get me out of my room.
That evening it all changed, all over again. A few glasses of wine down and i was dancing, singing and laughing. Amidst everything , i thought of you. Of what would you be doing. And i laughed so hard because it suddenly didn’t matter to me. What was happening? Was i over you? When do you know that you are over someone? How do you know that you are ready to move on? I didn’t know. I still don’t. All i knew what that i felt better.
A year and half from then, I am HAPPY. I have come to love life and learnt to not get attached and depressed over people and things. I refuse to give any person the power to affect me in a way that it destroys me. Very seldom do you come to my mind and when you do, i don’t brush you off. Instead, i send you positive energy and let you fly away. I have cut my cords with you.
But let me tell you Mr., you taught me so much and i bloody well should thank you for it. THANK-YOU. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me believe in Love or whatever that was. No, i have not lost hope or stopped believing in Love after you. Now, i just wish for the next guy to be the one who knows how to balance his goddamn professional and personal life. I wish you learn to do it too. I believe that happy ever after DO EXIST and that all those fairy-tales ARE NOT full of shit ( damn,payphone!). I have become much more stronger and sensible and also have learnt that i wish to come across anyone but any like you. I can smell someone like you from far away now and i refuse to let them or YOU anywhere near me. Someone out there saved me from you and oh boy could i thank them enough! I have learnt that life goes on and that i deserved better. That it is all for the best and even though it hurts, oh it hurts like a bitch, i cannot complain because the soul repairs itself and the wounds do heal. I have emerged beautifully into a stronger self with a kick-ass attitude towards life. You know what they say, “You are (were) the anchor i won’t sink for anymore.” HELL NO!
Well,I am still repairing myself and my other relationships (with friends) that i had unknowingly ruined when i was in the “grieving” phase. It might take some time but i know it will all end well.
Also, I realize that you loved me and you really did. I know what we had was real. Maybe what you did was right but the WAY YOU DID IT wasn’t anywhere near right. I understand that you may have your reasons and that’s okay. Breaking off a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person but the way you do it is so important. I hope and wish you find someone you love, again and this time don’t walk out on her. I don’t hate you, I just don’t give a F*** about you anymore.
Now i look back and have a good laugh. I am healed. Isn’t that a progress?
P.S- I have been craving to say this to you since a long time. Always be happy! And oh, also , SCREW YOU.
Yours (no-more) Truly (what even?)
The best you could ever have.