I feel too much and hurt very easily.

It’s not everyday that you realize that one thing that sets you off too often. Not everyday it is that you discover that you finally have the power to improve yourself and alter a few emotions within you, for good. Hear me out!

I have always found people telling me “You are so independent , strong (emotionally and mentally) and sorted. You must be feel very lucky” and so I believe. I take on situations head on and often find myself emerging on the stronger side with maturity. I have an exceptional confidence that very few have which maybe sets me apart but this very confidence has attached the “bitch” image to me in front of many. My outlook can be intimidating but let me tell you, you don’t know one tenth of my emotions. I am messed up. Yes! I am so fucking good at pretending at times that I surprise myself too. There is no doubt that I am everything mentioned above but what you don’t know is that I am “over-sensitive”.

I feel too much, hurt easily and push people away as much as I want them to stay close and tight. I feel so deeply about every Godamn thing  that it almost feels like a curse even though it’s nothing but a blessing. But I have known all this since the very beginning. What I have come to realize is something that will now change my life because I am going to work on it and save myself from feeling miserable henceforth.

REALIZATION: I have an invisible “Caution” tag on my emotions which NOONE till date has seem to notice. What I realized is something that I have read in a thousand quotes and heard people talk about it every now and then. I EXPECT. I expect certain things from certain people. It is not about expecting “too much” or what is required. NO!  THE only problem is that I expect and I am hurt every single time because…duh! So, the problem is that If I am hurt when my expectations are not met simply means that I do not accept people as they are.  I have pushed away so many people and i have had enough of it already.

I create an image of a certain person to be a certain way in my head and that is what causes the problem because they are actually doing what they can in their full potential but it is the image I have of them IN MY HEAD which leaves me disappointed and angry.

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I’m sure I am not the only one facing this! But I might be one of the very few to have realized and exercise the other side to it. To accept people and not expect a thing. Maybe then, even the simple silly things might be the reason for my happiness. I will work on this because I do not want to push people away anymore, I want to improve myself and find happiness in every little thing. I want to not be angry with people and myself so often and start living in the moment. I guess we all need to do that.

The whole jazz of “You expect from the people you love” is utter  bullshit. You expect, that is your problem. Accept people the way they are, keep no expectations and just let things be. Smile more often. Then see how beautiful every will be. One step at a time!

Shall we?

An open letter to my Ex-Man. To the man who left.

 

I will not use pretty words and pretend like my life has been a rollicking ride ever since you left. No. I will tell you the truth. Some bitter,some for good.

“I can’t give you enough time. I have to give my undivided attention to my work. I love you, but this is just not the right time. Forgive me, if you can, baby. I hope you understand. BLAH BLAH BLAH” and you left. These words and a few more,just like that! Everything ended. Without even blinking an eyelid and thinking what impact would those words have on me and my life to come. 3 YEARS (a long distance relationship) JUST DISAPPEARED IN A SPLIT SECOND!

Let me tell you the series of events that took place,just so you know. The day you decided to walk out, it all changed. Those words left me numb. No pain, no anger,no sadness, nothing. I went numb and eventually cold. How do you react when someone you have loved with all your heart walks off like nothing ever happened? It took me at-least a day to comprehend what had happened. And then it all started. A BREAKDOWN ,as they call it. I cried, i cried my eyes out. I howled, that is how much it hurt me. I couldn’t breathe. I felt stuck and breathless and trapped. I wanted to break everything and everyone. A few days passed and it only became worse. I eventually withdrew myself from my family and friends. I spent my days blankly staring at the walls. My thoughts disappeared. Nothing made sense. I didn’t want to see anyone, i didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be by myself. I knew I wasn’t in a state to talk about this to anyone,including myself. It seemed unreal and frankly, i felt betrayed. Was this some sort of a joke? Did these 3 years mean nothing to you?

My family knew what had happened. They all tried to cheer me up.My folks told me about their past heartbreaks and tried convincing me that it all becomes better with time. That,time heals. Still didn’t make any sense to me, did it? Nah. I was grieving. All i thought about was how i will never see you again, how i will never see your name flashing on my phone, how i will never get to fight with you followed by the best of your ways trying to make up for it. That was all i could think about. YOU. What else was i supposed to do?

It was on one such days when i felt better. So much better. that was when i collected myself, had a long bath, picked out the best of my clothes, put on the best make-up i ever have, called up my friends and ordered them, “Get ready. We are going out tonight”. My friends dropped everything they were doing and agreed. They were more than glad to hear from me after weeks of trying to get me out of my room.

That evening it all changed, all over again. A few glasses of wine down and i was dancing, singing and laughing. Amidst everything , i thought of you. Of what would you be doing. And i laughed so hard because it suddenly didn’t matter to me. What was happening? Was i over you? When do you know that you are over someone? How do you know that you are ready to move on? I didn’t know. I still don’t. All i knew what that i felt better.

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A year and half from then, I am HAPPY. I have come to love life and learnt to not get attached and depressed over people and things. I refuse to give any person the power to affect me  in a way that it destroys me. Very seldom do you come to my mind and when you do, i don’t brush you off. Instead, i send you positive energy and let you fly away. I have cut my cords with you.

But let me tell you Mr., you taught me so much and i bloody well should thank you for it. THANK-YOU. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me believe in Love or whatever that was. No, i have not lost hope or stopped believing in Love after you. Now, i just wish for the next guy to be the one who knows how to balance his goddamn professional and personal life. I wish you learn to do it too.  I believe that happy ever after DO EXIST and that all those fairy-tales ARE NOT full of shit ( damn,payphone!). I have become much more stronger and sensible and also have learnt that i wish to come across anyone but any like you. I can smell someone like you from far away now and i refuse to let them or YOU anywhere near me. Someone out there saved me from you and oh boy could i thank them enough! I have learnt that life goes on and that i deserved better. That it is all for the best and even though it hurts, oh it hurts like a bitch, i cannot complain because the soul repairs itself and the wounds do heal. I have emerged beautifully into a stronger self with a kick-ass attitude towards life. You know what they say, “You are (were) the anchor i won’t sink for anymore.” HELL NO!

Well,I am still repairing myself and my other relationships (with friends) that i had unknowingly ruined when i was in the “grieving” phase. It might take some time but i know it will all end well.

Also, I realize that you loved me and you really did. I know what we had was real. Maybe what you did was right but the WAY YOU DID IT wasn’t anywhere near right. I understand that you may have your reasons and that’s okay. Breaking off a relationship doesn’t make you a bad person but the way you do it is so important. I hope and wish you find someone you love, again and this time don’t walk out on her. I don’t hate you, I just don’t give a F*** about you anymore.

Now i look back and have a good laugh. I am healed. Isn’t that a progress?

 

P.S- I have been craving to say this to you since a long time. Always be happy! And oh, also , SCREW YOU.

Yours (no-more) Truly (what even?)

The best you could ever have.

An Intern with no benefits!

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“You will have to stay back for a few extra hours”, i was told. “Yeah yeah why not. I am a robot. Please make me slog my arse off for the work i will not even be appreciated for” I thought to myself. In reality, “Yes” was my answer. We all need a pat on our back once in a while, don’t we?

I sat in front of my computer and stared into all the political work i was working on. Nothing could be more useless than what i was doing. Yet, i consoled myself everyday by telling myself, ” You are learning, girl. everyone goes through it. Just go with it. You can do this”. But i knew how i went to the fancy office everyday to learn nothing but tips on how to make my future intern’s life hell. I learnt great a deal though. Continue reading An Intern with no benefits!

A crime to be unemployed?

coffeeA girl in her 20s sits back with a coffee-mug in her hand, magic in her eyes and talks about her life. There was nothing more amusing than seeing this girl talking with so much passion and amusement on how and when will people stop asking her to start WORKING.

“I have worked before, in the media. Radio, television,newspapers,blogs. I’m a journalist , you know. But suddenly, I am no more a journalist just because i am not working at the moment. Who again are these people exactly? They care about me, i know, but i have had enough. So what if i don’t want to work for a few months? So what if i decide to just sit and do absolutely nothing? And also, i often think, these politicians, counselors, advice givers, the “wise men”, who are they? Just Humans, right? What gives them the right to think that they know every goddamn thing about the world? Why can’t people just be freaking happy and peaceful? What are these goddamn wars for? Am i asking too many questions?

“No, love. Go on”

“Yeah, so i was saying, i don’t know where to work now. I have worked in almost every firm and they are all so shallow. So meaningless. Fuck! I don’t know.”

“You love coffee, don’t you? You turn into this super woman with unstoppable thinking capabilities when you have the coffee glass in your hands”

” I wish coffee could solve things. Add some sugar, situation is sweet. Add some milk, situation is neutralized. Have some espresso, and you are oh-so-strong. ”

“I see what you mean”

“NO, you do not know what i mean. No-one knows what anyone means. I cry , every night. And i don’t even know why. But then again, i laugh. I laugh a lot. Are you with me here?”

“Yes, right here, beautiful”

“What makes a person beautiful? The entire idea of beautiful is so screwed up man. And what is ugly? who defines ugly? Also, Love. I don’t understand love. ”

“Love isn’t something to be understood”

” That means no-one will ever understand me?”

This girl taught me so much in such little time.